Ohhh all the great deep lessons from Ariana on how to be successful. How her poor mom scrubbed floors to get her to Cambridge. How to thrive you need to learn to take it easy and meditate.

But there was a missing chapter to the book. and it’s vital. and that’s how to marry a gayboy congressman and then divorce him for millions. Cause without that there’d be Ariana scrubbing floors like her mom not lecturing us in Charlie Rose interviews about the importance of taking it easy.

Sure she can take it easy! She already bilked her ex out of tens of millions (that’s a guess Ari… hold the lawsuites!)

OKOK Ari didn’t KNOW Michael was gay when they married. Sure there were the falmboyant purple dinner scarves and the perfect fingernails, the elegant attention to dinner service and china colors. But really she thought he was just being trendy. So we don’t fault you for that.

But not mentioning the importance of marrying rich then divorcing as a womans way to the life of Riley, COME ON! COME ON ARI! Don’t take us for dunces. You can go on and espouse all the happy hindi mumjumbo meditation you want but that’s not NOT your secret to success.

Sure once you had millions and a comfy life and the free time of NOT working sixty hours a week as a slave for someone else, then you did the Huffington post and sure there was a lot of entrepreneurship…. But having gotten the news blast from the big divorce from Mr. Pink gave you the fame to get noticed.

Now I’d love to find me a nice big gay senator or congressman to marry…. I’m still looking. That’s the book of tips we need from you Ari, how’d you do that. And did you look for the gay boy signs PRE marriage just hoping for a tasty divorce or was it really just ignorance of what disappearing with metrosexual men for days and days meant in the life of a congressman?

Call the new book “Hives: How I hunted for divorced and made millions by marrying Gay”

* this article is satire