drawing by Jason Seiler
drawing by Jason Seiler

CR: HELLO Mr. Obama!

OO: Hello CollapseReport!

CR: So you are a frequent reader?

OO: I can’t get my news from the government controlled tv stations!

CR: you’ve got a point! So let’s jump right in I know we only have five minutes. What do you make of the chart released by the budget committee that shows that twenty five percent of Americans in their prime years are not working

OO: That’s an economy that’s working. Our disability and welfare benefits are doing their job – feeding the third worlders we import. Look we just don’t have enough jobs anymore. That’s what socialism and mass third world immigration does. Heck we even brought in eight million Indians with fake degrees to fuck over the software engineers.

CR: That’s fine and good but what is the new economy? Wasn’t tech supposed to be the new economy?

OO: Isn’t it obvious? The massive security and police state. All those microphones can’t listen to themselves.

CR: So your basic economic plan now that all our jobs have been shipped abroad, and our low level jobs have been taken by foreigners from central America and our technology jobs have been taken by the flood of Indians and Chinese you are recommend we veer away from an export and invention based economy

OO: You are stuck in the 1920s. Look the problem with these “producing” economic models is it always leaves too many people behind. The beauty of the police state is the more people that flood in, the more people we have to watch and imprison and torture, it’s a self balancing system!

CR: Dear god thats brilliant. Utterly sick, but brilliant. Well why the endless wars then?

OO: Oh that’s just our warning to anyone who might refuse our worthless dollars. We will make your country a desolate hell hole, for you, you children, and your children’s children. The Romans used to Salt the earth of their enemies but we do it one better. Depleted Uranium. Those countries wont be habitable for five thousand years, just in time for use to come out of our bunkers and reseed the earth.

CR: Waiii waii WHAT? Well what about Russia and the Ukraine?

OO: Do they use dollars?

CR: I guess not! But surely we can’t attack Russia

OO: We are doing it to HELP Russia. Putin has been in there a long time they are getting restless. These little wars help him stay in power as much as they help me. Think about it, what is the difference between Russia and the US these days. Both are repressive oligarchies with few freedoms and a repressive totalitarian security state. If I could, I’d dump nato in a second and merge with Russia if I could get away with it. Our combined empire could finally defeat the Emperor and …

CR: That’s STar Wars!

OO: No Not star wars… you didn’t let me finish… if I could finish… can I finish please can I get one word in edge wise can I ..

CR: please go right ahead (zips lips)

OO: The emperor of China! We can’t go to war with them they make everything we use! How ya gonna go to war with the country that makes your toilet paper? You can’t do it. But with a unified US Russian front, China has to play ball, and then we just devalue their rumbies and they become our slaves.

CR: That sounds familiar… Wait a second, isn’t that what Russia and China are doing to us right now! OK before you go everyone is asking about ISIL and ISIS. What is the right name for these guys.

OO: Blame that on McCain! He got so drunk when he went over there with them he couldnt remember anything right! We gotta arm somebody whether they are pro Assad or anti Assad, it doesnt really matter to us, we just need to keep the wars going or our economy will collapse. Even though our flight systems, lcd screens and most of the parts in our aircraft come from China. I tried to tell the American people you didn’t build that, but they just wouldnt listen! Well luckily there is still one thing made in the good ol USA

CR: Whats that?

OO: The bombs of course! And think how low gas prices would fall if we weren’t buring it all up with aircraft carriers battleships and fighter jets. Do you KNOW what the mpg is on these things… well it’s not good.

CR: Thanks Obama, you know before we talked I thought you were a bit crazy but knowing there is a plan is reassuring.

OO: Okie Dokie (runs off to jet with golf clubs)