muhammed the musical

Muhammed: (Just a Man with Sand and a Camel)

Muhammed: “I’m so tired of just sand”

Camel: “Sand sand sand”

M: “I want to be so much more. How can I live alone in the desert?”

C: “so Alone”

M: (Musically) I’m just a man with sand and a camel

C: and a camel

I’m just a man who wants to be so much more

Life is a bore. I could snore. But how can I . Reach the sky?

C: Can you fly?

M: No I must be so much more! Theres land over there theres a magical place. they’ve got good food over there and jewels beyond that gate. But I’m a bearded man how can they let me in

C; They’ll never let you in

M: How can I get in and get the food when I’m out here and getting stewed?

I’m just a man, with a plan, and a camel

C: I’m the camel!

M: I’m just a man with a plan that’s so true. To rule the world, that just my wish. To chop off heads, with an iron fist

C: Fist!

M: I’m just the one to get past the gate but I need a plan but what is my fate. Hey camel what is that wrapped on you? (picks up long wrap, and wraps it around his head). (paints an acron and puts it on a string on his neck)

As a men they’d never let me in. As an army I’d never win. But I’m getting past that gate and that will be the end of their fate, because with Religion I will win


M: With Religion I will win.

[Muhammaed walks through gate. “Oh a holy man” someone says. “Muhamba Muhamba Muhamba” says muhammed “Oh holy is very good come on inside. surely you can’t be a thief or murderer” Muhammed pulls on sword, gives a impish grin to audience and then walks in side.”  Sounds of screams and terror. People dying.  “A man, a plan and a camel…” he sings as his voice fades away.

— scene 2 —

[Muhammed sits on a big throne. Its a big city. Jewels around him.

M: “I am rich and powerful. We have killed the infidels who didn’t join this religion. Chopped off their heads. The rest of the men are now mine. My mos-men.

C: Moslem (chewing food slurring)

M: But I feel alone. How can I rule when I just feel so empty inside.

(six year old girl walks by)

M: Who is that? You there get over here. Yes you are so pretty.  OK I declare you my wife. Now get in this black sack and I will beat you as all good husbands do!

Muhammed: (shes only six years old yet I love her)

“I’m marryin a girl, I’m getting a wife, A beautiful girl, the best in my life, Shes just six years old, or so I’m told, what the heck get stuffed shes gonna be my wife I love her hairless MUFF! Thiiiiis is a lot of responsibility, I’m conquering lands, and a first grader on my hands. I’m getting a wife, the best in my life, but shes just six years old!”


Shes Only Six Years Old Yet I love her

A Four Year Old Wont Do!

I’ve tried Seven and Eight, they aren’t that Great

A six year old is true.

Aisha: “Will he love me, when I’m ten years old? Will my wrinkles make love fade, at 12 years from today? Some day I’ll get big and have boobies and fur down there, will he still want me when I look like a woman with a plump derrier? Oh will he still love me, when I turn ten years old!”


The women in town: (everyday we wear the burkha burka burka!)

(gathered around a washing bin washing clothes by hand, all Black Burkhas!)

“Every day we wear the burka burka burka its the sexy little black dress with a hood Every day just that old burka burka burka, it never fits like it should. Oh how I dream, of a pink, or chartruse, what would others think? Burka burka burka its just the way we dress.

Hijab or Niqab, It matters little

Just cover your head and eyes, and see your ankles just a little

Its hot in them, Wheres the fashion?

How can we be good wifes, When theres no Victoria’s Secret or Versace action?

<one woman, dramatically>I’ll wear the Burkha, But Underneath it all I’ll be bare!<end>



Man in town: (I’m going jihad … just the very next day)

man: Ali Muhammed, Why  you not jihad. You are a coward! Sharia Law says we must cut the penis off all cowards who refuse jihad! (takes out dagger and points it to Ali’s groin)

Ali: No It’s not true. I uhh, I…

man: Lets try a suicide belt bomb, I have one in your size. See it fits you well. Or maybe you can drive a truck into the crowd at the festival. Maybe a machine gun at the synogague? 66 Virgins await lets get this over with!

Ali: No, I want to jihad, just….. (begins to sing)

“I’m going jihad, just the very next day. No time today to jihad, I’ll get blown away. I used to think about university, now it’s just not diversity, I’m going jihad, just the very next day. Now some of the rebels wanna jihad right now strap on suicide vests or drive a plow but not me, I’m going jihad… just the very next day”

chorus: sung by the jihad outfitters holding guns and explosives

There is no time to wait you must jihad today or it will be too late

(man from afar) I’m going jihad … just the very next day

A bomb on your chest makes a manly vest, an ak gun will make the infidels run

(man from afar) I’m going jihad … just the very next day

You must hurry its almost Christmas, All those happy people, that really Pissed US!

(man from afar) I’m going jihad … just the very next day

How about a truck mashing crowds or a machete on Big Ben street. Its not allowed, unless youve got quite the mean streak! Make haste Make Haste! Theres no time to waste!

(man from afar) I’m going jihad … just the very next day (sneaks out of tent while bomb smiths are busy back to making bomb vests)

Muhammed: (I’ve Got To Write A Book)

“I’ve got to write a book. But I dont think anyone will look. It says to chop off hands. That infidels will not stand. To murder the christians and the jews, to take over all lands that are neeeeeewwww! It’s not a religion its  a WAR but will they read it forever more? I’m writing a book, how can I keep it’s message TRUEEEEEE! I’ll fill it with Islam, and announce the KORAN, I’ve got to write this book or I’ll be rememberd as a schnook, oh why oh why did I ever try to write such a lengthy book!

All I have, are sandy lands(picks up sand from pile and lets it flow through his hand), I dream of trees and lakes so grand (spreads out arms wide). But theres nothing here, not even Beer! How can I write without even a degree from university? How can we succeed without multicultural diversity?

I’ve got to write a book. And we’ll tell them how to conquer lands. It’s a long book, I have to keep it’s message true. I’m a prophet not a bore, but all I lust for is kids and war, I’ve got to write this book, to keep my message true.

We aren’t so happy here. Our harems are running low, our beatings not instilling enough fear. A king can only do so much, but but… <parlando high voice> a religion that is the stuff! <end parlando> And with this boooook I’ll make it all come TRUEEEEEEE. Yes I’ve WRITTEN a BOOOOK…. And now we march on YOU!

The Priest: (Sharia is for ME!)

Don’t talk to me about your consititution, I’ve had a look. Don’t tell me about freedom and liberty, Its all just gook. I’ve got my own book. That stuff is only good for my PEE, cause Sharia! is for ME!

Chorus (sung by all priests in dance number)

Oh Sharia! It is for ME!

Oh Sharia! It is for ME!

Chopping off hands, is the religious plan

Heads will fly, when Muhammed’s Law Frys!

Oh Sharia! It is for ME!

Oh that girl she says shes raped. By her dad and son, Its no disgrace

Lets Flog her thru and then she’ll try anew

Oh Sharia! It is for ME!

A mans wife, she drove his car. He beat her silly. With a iron bar

This is no crime, happens all the time, Oh Sharia! It is FOR ME

(chorus big finale!)

Muhammed: (quietly, on a battle field, his robes soaked with blood, sword by his side) I had a dream (singing softly) a lofty dream, to take arabia, to make turkey scream. Valencia will soon be ours. Cordoba, its shining stars. And theres just no Romance without France, Jerusalem will be our son, and Europe Tooo. A lofty dream, to bring jihad to you. There are no walls or gates, I cannot abate, Our refugees, make great pleas, (singing STRONGLY) No one will stop us, no religious to mock us, and soon all too soon, you will learn the way, when the call rings out, you will kneel and pray. This is no dream, I have overseen this plan with care, this big vision, says we will be over there. We will rape your women because they dress profane, we will bribe your politicians until they go insane. But let us in they will and in the end we will kill. Ha ha ha ha haaaaaa. (screaming) My name is MuHammed! (raises sword to SKY!) And soon we will conquer you! (100 men in behind previously unseen rise up with swords also) (all lights go dark. Silence)

[Close encounters theme plays… strange lights in the sky… Muhammed rises up into the air higher and higher]

“he’s going up to the gods!” says one soldier

“His message will be forgotten!” said another

[Muhammed looks down, remembers his books, tosses it down]


Everyone rises up joyfully singing “OH SHARIA… IT IS FOR ME!”

Curtain closes.