PM: Hello Mr. Stroxok, you’ve been in a lot of trouble for your handling of the Clinton and Trump investigations, some say you showed bias.
SxK: Yes well I hate Trump and love Hillary
PM: Yes of course! That was clear from your emails and text.
PM: My first question is, knowing about the murder of Seth Rich for stealing the DNC’s emails off their server with a thumb drive, were you worried if you charged Clinton you’d get whacked?
SxK: OMG very worried. We all were. That Mob Boss has more bodies around her than a tree has leaves.
PM: Mob Boss?
SxK: Of Course, she runs a five billion dollar shakedown syndicate. We didn’t love Hillary as a candidate, we just didn’t want to get wacked.
PM: So when you were told by the NSA investigators that FIVE COUNTRIES had hacked into Hillarys email server stealing all the emails creating a national security breach, that was no big deal?
SxK: No it was a HUGE DEAL. Very Illegal. It frightened all of us very much. Why on earth would she put so much classified information on a private unprotected server
PM: Well some say she would put stuff there and then sell it to the highest bidder
SxK: I had no bias
PM: No I wasn’t asking about that. Clearly you were fearing for you life. What about Huma Abedine? She was basically a Muslim Mole in the White house. Was she protected also?
SxK: Oh yes, she was totally under Hillary’s protection racket. In fact when we got Wiener’s laptop I made sure we just sat on it and did nothing for over two months. Comey was furious but well, you don’t cross these people or they will find you in a park like Vince Foster
PM: I Understand. What about her giving the order to stand down at Benghazi which led to the death of Ambassador Stevens. It’s chain of command so it should have been easy to establish her crime yes?
SxK: No she’s a crafty bitch, she put the orders through the CIA not the military
PM: Wait, she had the NSA, CIA, and the FBI all working with her on her crimes
SxK: Oh that’s not the least of it. The thousands of unmaskings, the fake fisa warrents, her mittins were in all of it. Nobody crossed the Clintons or as we’d say “You’d Get Rich’d”
PM: You mean shot in the back four times, all your money still in your wallet, and the press will call it a robbery?
PM: Surely there was some crime you could pin on her?
SxK: Well we changed “treason” to “gross negligance” but then we found out that was a crime also! We kept changing the words and they kept ending up crimes! finally I came up with “slightly scruffy” and thank goodness that wasn’t in any of the laws
PM: Fascinating. So let’s talk about the Trump investigation. You started planning this weeks before the official investigation was launched
SxK: It was McCain! He hated Trump. All that “Not a hero” stuff. Of course McCain was a total idiot who didn’t keep his arms in when he ejected so they got broken when the Viet found him. Well he sang and told them all our secrets. I guess that’s being a hero somehow. Anyways he brought us this folder full of pictures of a man dressed up to look like Trump, but it was all shady angles. I mean clearly it wasn’t Trump. The whole thing was a pack of lies. But McCain said we had to launch this investigation into “Collusion”. I told McCain that Collusion wasn’t a crime so what crime would we put on the special Counsel papers and he said he didn’t care. So Rosenstein just didn’t list any crime.
PM: Which is of course totally illegal. So the whole special counsel is illegal.
SxK: Yah and the beauty of it is, all those naughty pictures with the Trump look alike, well they all went into the FISA application!
PM: No wonder Trump doesn’t just order its release
PM: What about the Clintone Foundation, the two billion dollars in Aid money for Haiti
SxK: They stole all of it, gave some to their friends, and installed fancy furniture in their new house
PM: That can’t be legal
SxK: Doesn’t matter. No one can stand up to them not even Trump. So they just take as much as they can. What was Trump’s slogan? “Lock her up” well it’s been two years….
PM: But wait, you were the guy in charge, why didn’t you lock her up
SxK: We couldn’t. All of us – Comey, McKabe, Rosenstein, we had already been working with her covering up her crimes for years. The second we charged her we’d be toast. Rosenstein even signed one of the FISA applications. He knows all the crimes. That’s how they work see, they suck you in, get your hands dirty, and then you’re just stuck. Rosenstein is off announcing indighting 12 Russians rather than finding real crimes. You think that’s by choice? It’s Humiliating!
PM: What about Sessions? He does nothing?
SxK: He doesn’t want to get Rich’d. He’s old and just wants to get out of there. So instead he’s pushing on arresting Amish and seizing assets from reefer dudes. I mean think about it, if you were his age would you want to be a hero? You don’t go into government to be a hero you go to get closer to the money.
PM: What about Obama did he know?
SxK: I did not have bias in my actions only in my texts and emails
PM: Come on, did he know?
SxK: They’ve got him using a pseudonym sending emails to Hillary’s illegal server. Of course he knew. He knew everything. But he was stuck with her so he just ignored it. Hillary ran everything. People think she was the Secretary of State. She ran the WHOLE DAMN GOVERNMENT. Obama just took trips and fawned over muslim leaders and gave the Iranians 130 Billion. But even that was Hillary as well. Huma pushed her to do it.
PM: What was his alias?
SxK: HuggyBear, you know, Starsky and Hutch
PM: That’s Hilarious. And what was hillary’s?
SxK: HotRod17. But if she knew you well she’d call herself Gertie. We still don’t know where that comes from.
PM: What about Bill. Was he involved
SxK: No comment (shaking)
PM: Jesus you’re even more scared of Bill than of Hillary. Nickname?
SxK: BigDaddy. Sigmund and the SeaMonsters.
SxK: He’s the Capo. He’s the head. He told Loretta Lynch to back off Hillary on the tarmac or she’d get Rich’d. Well she backed off!
PM: Can you prove it?
SxK: It’s all at the NSA. They have every last Hillary eMail. Of course you can’t destroy the server and think you’ve destroyed the emails. The NSA intercepts every last one! Every phone call. Everything. When Hillary was shaking down Qatar for 20 million so Chelsea could get a new million dollar condo from the Foundation, rumor is she went through 20 burner phones.
PM: Burner phones?
SxK: You know, those $30 phones at walmart. It’s the only way not to be traced.
PM: You know coming into this I thought you were biased. Do you have anything to say about the text messages with Lisa Page?
SxK: It was all a ruse. We used to laugh how ridiculous a anti-Trump message we were going to send today. We’d send them and then laugh and laugh. The more biased people thought I was against Trump the more solid my cover story
PM: When the truth was ….
SxK: Didn wanna get Rich’d
PM: Tell me about Imran Awan
SxK: He was secretly reading all the emails. When he discovered what Hillary was up to he panicked and jumped ship, tried to wire money to Pakistan and get on a plane.
PM: So the FBI offered him immunity to talk and tell the world what he knows about Hillary?
SxK: No stupid. The FBI gave him immunity to shut him up. The last thing we wanted was him to spill the beans to some Pakistani reporter.
PM: Amazing. Well thank you for taking the time to tell us the real story.
SxK: yes, it was nice knowing you
PM: Excuse me?
SxK: Print any of this and…
PM: I know I know, I’m gonna get Rich’d
SxK: (smiles and walks away)