Cui Tiankai was walking boastfully as he talked about the trade summit.
“Deal? Oh you deal. You deal big” smirked Cui.
When asked what kind of deal China was looking for as its economy spirals into economic recession Cui replied “Deal simple. We keep tariffs, keep intellectual property, you free trade. It win-win for China.”
When told that those days were over and Trump’s dog negotiator Navarro would insist on free and fair trade Cui replied “you want war? We take Spratley Guam next? You make deal or no deal. Spratley we take spratley!”
Obviously the man is under tremendous pressure. He issued a statement last week of “grave and dire consequences” if China isn’t handed everything it wants at the negotiating table.
“Oh were dire baby. Really dire. Consequences will be had! Like day old shao bao Trump will feel our strength.”
PM: What philosophy was China basing it’s principles on?
“China want Kuan, Kuan – Wide prosperity” said Cui. “Foreign Big Eye Devils only get Zhai Zhai – narrow access. ” Cui explained. “You want more access? Cost more!”
PM: Do you want a trade war?
Cui responded “We don’t want trade war with any country, we just take mineral rights. Africa get $500 road, Chinese take 5 million tons of platinum. good deal! America dumb, all money Afghanistan and no rare earth metals come out. only opium. Chinese buy opium from Afghanistan, refined it, sell back to America. Who smart now?”
PM: What about the tariffs that will hit this January. Trump is raising them from 25 billion to 65 billion.
“Chinese trade deficit like EggRoll. 500 billion a year. Trump raise to 65 billion. That just the skin on the eggroll. That just skin. We get ten times that from stolen intellectual property so why we scared? Eggrool, we like eggroll (Cui shapes fingers into eggroll shape)”
PM: Are you worried about Peter Navarro? He’s a tough cookie.
“Navarro tough like fortune cookie. Sometime if get too old break into lotsa pieces. What fortune say? Hmmm. China Rule worl!”
When asked about China’s policy of owning 51% of any company formed in China and stealing all the companies intellectual property and then launching fully Chinese companies making the same products Cui replied “That just China way. That the way. Been like that long time. That china way. Start with Emperor. He talk half also plus your testicles. So really you lucky!”
What will happen? Will Trump crack the Chinese goose and eat gong she fa tsai or Char Siu Hua?