PM: Hello Robert
RM: Hello PM
PM: Let me say it’s an honor to finally meet you. You look tired.
RM: It’s been a rough two years
PM: Can you tell us how all this came about?
RM: Well basically Shrillary Mittins, that’s not her real name, let’s call her Shrill for short, well she lost a presidential campaign even though they stuffed all the ballot boxes for her.
PM: She cheated
RM: Oh she cheated in many many ways. Tossing out Bernie Sanders, Taking over the Democratic party, busloads of convicts and illegal aliens voting multiple times. Throwing away ballots. There was cheating everywhere to ensure she would win.
PM: But that’s not the real crisis she faced
RM: No, it’s not.
PM: Tell us a bit about it
RM: Well, Let’s just say there were a lot of big name Chinese and Middle Eastern and Russian Doners. Oligarchs like Derapaska. They put in tens… hundreds of millions into her foundation in exchange for political favors. 20 million from the Saudis alone. Kuwait, Qatar, UAE all of them pumped in cash to be absolved for their beheadings and torture of “dissidents”. Shrillary may have millions but shes small fry, these people have billions and execution squads.
PM: I though Shrill had some squads of her own? What’s the body count at so far? 57?
RM: 59. But trust me, it’s small potatoes compared to people who have whole armies, secret death squads stacked with international blackwater freelancers with laser guns and polonium. she’s a small fish about to get cooked. Or so she thought.
PM: So what was the problem?
RM: Well the problem was she lost. Amazingly, she was so horrible that even with massive cheating she ended up losing the election. She’s used to getting away with everything but that election night, she knew the gig was up. Almost immediately the phone calls poured in asking for the money back. Hundreds of millions. Or … she’d get Rich’d.
PM: Rich’d ?
RM: end up like Seth Rich, robbed with four gunshots in your back and a wallet full of cash.
PM: Then what happened?
RM: She panicked. She got a few intelligence hacks to cough out a fake story about Russian hacking. She claimed that the Russians hacked the election and the DNC machines. Yah I know, they proved those files couldn’t have been transferred over the net it was def an inside job. But she started pushing this story. and the Fifth Floor helped her make sure that fake story would start to get real support from the FBI and CIA. But her power was draining fast. The money she had wired to Perkins Coie to dig up dirt on Trump in Russia was paying dividends. She had the dossier, she just had to get the FBI to use it. But people were wary of getting involved?
RM: Quickly people around her were realizing other than hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank – stolen money – she was becoming less powerful to change things in government. So she concocted a story and called it “Russian Collusion”. Called all her Russian connections and set about to frame Trump. The Russians were confused – Who was this Russian who did this hack without permission. They ran around in circles for months and that was time enough for Shrill to squirrel away money to safe accounts, burn documents, tidy up so to speak. They used the illegal spying and unmasking to make sure that nothing was left that might leak out. It was a clean job.
PM: And where did RodR fit in?
RM: He was put in there from the beginning to take control of the justice department. He encouraged Sessions to take long naps. When it became clear that a special consul was going to be appointed he called me because I knew all the Mittins crimes.
PM: So you could go after Hillary? I mean Shrillary?
RM: Just the opposite, I would know what NOT to investigate to make sure her crimes were hidden! But I said “Look Rod, You can’t appoint a special counsul, there’s no crime here, there’s no crime to cite” He just said don’t worry he’d take care of it.
PM: Did he?
RM: He just issued the order without listing any crimes. When I protested he said if I shut up it would be a nice retirement account for me. I was getting paid a lot!
PM: So what went wrong?
RM: Well we just assumed Trump was as evil and cheating as Shrill was. But he wasn’t. We couldn’t find anything. This guy was so squeaky clean we couldn’t find dust specks on his toast plate. I mean there was nothing. We tried strong arming, we tried perjury traps, on and on it went. Nothing. Then the worst thing happened!
PM: What was that?
RM: Trump gets this hair brained idea the HE acting alone will de-classify the FISA applications.
PM: What’s wrong with that?
RM: What’s wrong? Why it will show everyone was a total crook that’s what’s wrong. It would have proven the Hillary scam, the democrats would have been crushed in the mid-terms that’s what. Luckily RodR was there once again. Convinced Trump to send it off for a quick review… and down the black hole it went.
PM: Did Trump have any idea how close he was to proving all the criminal activity?
RM: Not really. He eats his nice hamburger and he’s happy. Remember he’s getting old too. He sorta forgot about it and we just kept saying it would get released “any day” and then finally the Dems took the house so it will never be possible to prosecute anyone now. He’s got like ten days left to act but of course he won’t. Why do you think they spent 50 million bucks rustling Hondurans to the border? IT was all to kill time to get the Dems in and keep Trump busy so this declassification thing would never happen!
PM: So now after two years you’ve done a great job. Success ?
RM: I just want it to end but there’s no way I can write a report exonerating . So I’m stuck at this forever. It’s like a sentence to HELL. I have no way out. It just has to go on forever or a lot of powerful people will go to jail. So of course, you know what that means if I fail?
PM: Rich’d ?
RM: Worse Kashogied. Chopped into little pieces. In the beginning it looked like we were winning, got the NSA advisor, got the guilty pleas. But then this Corsi fellah, he won’t budge. “I didn’t lie” he says. He’s like one of those walnuts at thanksgiving that just wont crack. So now I’m exhausted, I can’t keep up the scam it’s fumes running on the fumes of fumes. At some point it’s all going to crash down.
PM: so it’s time for the acting attorney general to request the final report. Cite some real evidence or go away.
RM: Yah, well they don’t have the courage. Chickens all of them.
PM: You could just produce a long winding report that says a lot of half crimes and tries to tie them together into a conspiracy? Like the OIG McCabe report? Yah like the McCabe report!
RM: I’ll make it 1,200 pages! They’ll be so much gobblygook it won’t say anything!
PM: You’re welcome, you’re welcome. (shaking hands profusely). Well we appreciate your exclusive interview. Please keep us posted.
(“I’m free…. free at last ….. FREE AT LAST…. the man disappears into the distance laughing maniacally… )