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The Map of Freebies – Which Country Are You From That Gets Free Shit ?

I was worried I might be 1% Niggruh so I swiped my cheek and sent in my sample to one of those Ancestry companies you hear on TV. But then I got a phone call. No it wasn’t from the company, it was from the FBI!

“I’m sorry, there was problem processing your sample can you please send in a new one”

“Who is this?”

“Uhm well… We are a government agency”

Yep it was all going straight into the huge criminal DNA database. Except. We weren’t criminals. But just like the huge NSA mega-terabyte internet and phone spying centers, they are now doing the same thing with DNA.  If they can get their hands on it, they will store it and USE IT AGAINST YOU.

So a few weeks later I met a friend for lunch.

So what is it? Are you a Quadroon, Octaroon, drop of blood”

He was excited because if it was it would mean free college for my children, hell free Senator positions like Corey Booker and Kamala Harris – Both black only by minute drops of blood not by appearance.

cory and kamala
If you’re a dude and want to be black, just shave your head like Corey does. If you’re a woman, just act UPPITy. UP-IT-TAY!

“No, FBI squashed it and I’m too scared to send in another sample”

A few weeks later I did get my ancestry report. Nope no darkie blood in me. Damn. I was hoping for the affirmative action megabucks, start to laze off on my job and do nothing, and look forward to a nice life on disability because 90% of blacks automatically qualify (due to room temparture IQs). But it wasn’t to be.

“Scottish! How can I be Scottish” I moaned. “Jesus do I have to learn GOLF now””

But for millions of others hope-ing to be black like Kamala and Corey and get that gravy train, the sinister thought of the good ol government in our GENES might make us give pause.  What if our DNA is found at a murder scene? They’d just computer snatch us right quick even if we didn’t do it.

“It’s not worth knowing” I told my friend.

“Damn, I’ll never get to be a Niggruh” he sobbed into his triple latte thinking of all the free-bies and payola he would now miss out  on.

“It will be ok, It will all be ok”