PM: We are so happy to see you again, and to get the inside scoop. So what’s going on with XI and the trade deal?
HM: SO MAD! SO MAD. TRUMPH INSULT! OHHH SO MAD!
PM: What? What’s happened
HM: Trump insult china national sovereignty. He say buy soybean. We buy soybean. He say buy pork. China buy pork. Then the insist we do things his way or he will give tariff? He insult Chinese culture!
PM: What on earth? What do you mean?
HM: They insist we no can steal intewwectual Pwoperty! That insult to China. That how China grow. That our culture of success. It big insult. BIG
PM: But … stealing is wrong?
HM: NO, it just China Way. You have America way. We have China way. First you come into partnership, then we take your technology, next year China make product themselves. It basic chinese way.
PM: But surely things can’t go on like this?
HM: WE REFUSE PORK. china love pork. sniff. But all china pork die swine flu. We try to send sick pigs to America but SOMEONE ratted us out. A SpY! Love that pork, esp crispy bun with the barbeque sauce. AMERICA NO TAKE AWAY OUR BAO BAO!
PM: But what about your theft of the hybrid engine, fracking technology, even our nuclear MIRV missle tech. It’s all stolen.
HM: That how we make profit. No money to invest in research. We partner then we get all good ideas for free. Poof 10% annual GDP growth, not anemic 3% like America.
PM: But America wants that 10% growth
HM: China have more people, need more growth. We build ghost cities we need so much growth. Rook. You invade Sadaam Husein. Cost five trillion. China build high speed rail. Now go everywhere at 200 miles an hour. Did we need to invent how to do it? No way, we take from Japanese partnership. China way – high speed rail. America way – no high speed rail.
PM: Look if you don’t respect intellectual property rights Trump is going to keep raising the Tariff.
HM: China no care, it only make Americans pay more for Chinese crap! All we care about is those PORK bellies. If only Trump knew the power of American PORK! But Trump idiot. He give us pork say take more pork! And soybean for tofu. With pork and Tofu China can rule worl!
PM: We have been more than patient with you. We’ve been waiting for China to grow up and join the advanced nations, that was our plan when we allowed you entry into the WTO
HM: China no scared by WTO – America always lose. Rook Rook. We buy American trees, pork, soybeans. We make shoes, chairs, blenders, and washing machines. We sell those back to America. Who is the advanced nation? China doesn’t buy American washington machines!
PM: Allright Hu, it’s been exciting to learn the real lynchpin of Chinese trade talks. Instead of pushing PORK on the chinese, Trump should hold that BACK until China agrees to our intellectual property rules.
HM: DO’NT TELL TWUMP! XIAO BAO! HU MI NEED XIAO BAO (pork bun)
China raises about half the world’s pigs, and the spread of African swine fever is causing huge disruption to the supply of pork in the country. Financial services firm Rabobank estimated that up to 200 million pigs – nearly half the number in China – could be culled or die from the disease during the epidemic, saying there was not enough pork in “the whole world combined” to fill the potential supply shortfall.