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John Kerry Greets Soleimani in Iran after Giving him 100 Billion dollars

Oh Soleimani, router of ISIS, Friend of Obama, Spender of American Billions given to Iran, why did you have to be so Soleimani?

Killing Soleimani is a de capo assassination illegal under American Law. This is troubling. Technically he wasn’t the leader of Iran.  That’s Rouhani. So he’s fair game. But he’s probably the real leader of Iran, their George Washington.  He gutted christian infidels and burned their children alive, fought the evil Jews and helped liberate Iran during their vicious wars. He is in effect a Hero.

“His torture was the best torture. He… he was the best” said a Quds force member. “One time, there was this Syrian girl, she couldn’t have been more than ten years old. But Solemani quoted the Koran which says “Smote thine enemies and strike their eyes out” so he did. The girl bit off her own tongue and choked to death. It was … (sob)… sorry I cannot go on… we will miss him a lot” said the hunched over sobbing Quds member.

Another Kuds member stated “well the Koran teaches ‘You did not smite when you smote’ but not Suleiman, when he smote, he was like, all in with the smoting”

We interviewed several revolutionary guard members as well.

“Soleiman.. .he was our father.  We would follow him into war, chop off heads, but every time we came home he made sure to have fresh slave whores for us from the new captures. He was the best”

John Kerry made no official statement except for a tweet we found which stated “today I have lost a dear friend”  with John Kerry’s 100 Billion dollars, Soleimani was able to buy whole armies and fight wars with the best equipment, his house alone was rumored to have over one hundred slave whores and one hundred wives.

“When we remember the good old days, the heads on pikes, the smell of burning flesh, if you listen closely you will be able to hear the voice of Soliemani telling us   kill the infidels…. kill them all.  He will be missed.”