My city had been one of them handsome ones, the kind where gentry folk would sip mint julips. Well jessie and I had to take a trip to the wallumps, a outer tribe of wretched currs but they made that handstrap molassas and as mom was makin a pie, well we were bound there.
Now you could go straight down the evil streets but we marched through the desolates to save time. Got our hassastraps and loaded up to the jimmney tribes.
Sho fo nuff, as i got back tah home I developed a ferocious itchin in my legs.
“Yous got a bad case of the chiggars” screamed tessie, and began to treat me with oils and vimification syrups.
“How did this happen” I asked ponderously.
“They get worse every year. Used to never see the chiggars in our parts. then them southern dixiecrats got uppity ideas about chiggar rights and soon you cant go hardly anywhere in town without running into them.” said aunt may
One time uncle tommy went deep into the hassastraps and came back weak and fell into bed. He had been attacked by gangs of chiggars who roamed in them thar parts.
“We need to de-louse em” said Uncle Tommy but apparently they could not do anything because the “youts” got off scott fre from all the crimes and attacks.
Then the revenuers came by and I watched shockingly stupefied as Tommy handed over half his savings to them. “Its to save and feed the chiggars isn’t it?” asked Tommy? The governmentals just nodded and shook their head side to side.
Why we payin them chiggars. Aint we got enough of them? I screamed
“Hush now, thats just the way we do things now”
“Next they’ll be letting chiggars in our school” screamed sister May
“That would never happen, they’re too stupid” I replied confidently.
I walked back and forth and began to pace. The itch in my leg got better but damn they still itched.
“We need integration, we just need to spend more money on the chiggars” I proclaimed, “then they can be just like us! Get good jobs, work hard”
“Are you crazy. You can’t change a chiggar. Once a chiggar always a chiggar. Dumb and vicious they are. What would you teach them? What job could they do? No chiggars are just a spending problem. Best to ship them all back to Africay some day I reckon” said May
“Is there some spray we could use? Like fer mosquites?” I asked
“No thars no sprayin em, they just get hottin mad and stomp. Next year the sprays dont work at all on them. Once your county gets the chiggars, you’re pretty much stuck with em” said uncle tommy
“I will invent a spray” I reckoned “a chiggar spray to keep their distance from my leg. ”
I spent the summer testing different sprays on chiggars. I started by collectin old soda bottles and in each I put one chiggar carefully, had to handle them with forceps or the’d climb onta ya. I tried kerosene sprays, bitter herbs. every time I sprayed them they seemed to punch up and bang the glass angrily like let me out sayin
“Did you find a spray” asked cousin vermouth
“Naw, but I think I got an idea. We can put the bad ones in jail until they get better. they can bang all they want but they aint gettin out”
“Jails for Chiggars? I guess that makes sense” said vermouth pullin on her long braid.
“Pretty soon, they’ll mostly be in them places and fer them it’ll be like a second home”
“Yah but you’ll never keep up, as soon as one goes into jail, momma chiggars just make ten more!”
“Damn Vermouth you shoot down ner avy idear I get!”