Ivan Fedorovitch Yanukovych, 56, could be linked to a number of mysterious disappearances in the area believe officials.
He always made the best spaghetti with meat sauce for the schools fundraising events. But they kept pressuring him to come back and again and he couldn’t afford the meat!
Yanukovych was interrogated by police after neighbors complained about him using a chainsaw late at night and reported the man being “covered in blood.”
“that bloody chainsaw man is at it again Irma” said a annoyed Neighbor
“What on earth can he be doing?” replied Irma
When police arrived on the scene, Yanukovych was found butchering a dead body in his garage and preparing what police officers described as “large quantities of ground meat” mixed in with an “aromatic blend of spices.”
“It was actually quite delicious. We packed several lengths of his smoked sausage for the team”
“The suspect admitted to preying on unsuspecting delivery men from local restaurants, several postmen and even a number of Jehovah witnesses,” Assistant Chief Jeff Buchanan told reporters.
“I never suspected he was a mass murderer. He would often invite all the neighbors to watch football at his house and host large barbecues for everybody and was super friendly,” one neighbor told reporters. “Wait, OMG that was <BARF BARF>
Yanukovych, 56, who lives with his mother, Anastasia Z. Yanukovych, 93, and who rents the house basement to a local student, seemed to blend into the community and never arouse suspicion from neighbors.
“He was in charge of organizing our yearly spaghetti dinner fundraiser for the past five years and was a key player in the community. I am in utter disbelief” one local YMCA administrative told reporters. “Wait, that spaghetti we all ate for years… it did taste a bit errr Mexican..”
When interrogated by authorities, Yanukovych apparently showed some remorse about killing the delivery men and postmen who were “just doing their job” but said the Jehovah witnesses “really annoyed him” and wished he had “taken more out.”
(this article is NOT SATIRE)