Update: Kim was seen for the first time at a ribbon cutting ceremony for a new mutton chip factory. “Mutton chips are delicious” said Kim, sporting his new Muttonchops proudly.
It’s a new look and takes time to get used to it, kinda like when Ted Cruz grew his beard or when Glenn Beck became Colonel Sanders.
Experts are unsure of what to make of Kim’s absence from any festivities celebrating his grandfather. When North Korean leaders have not shown up to these important celebrations in the past, it has portended major developments. But it has also turned out to be nothing.
“His whole life he has wanted nothing more than to have normal sideburns like everyone else. Now it appears his childhood dream may have killed him”
Dr. Fu Kup commented “The biphrangial sideburn transplant is not without risk, there are several critical arteries and nerves you must navigate”
And now it appears while Kim sports his lifelong mini-Elvis style sideburns, he has been left in a vegetative state.
“There have been a number of recent rumors about Kim’s health (smoking, heart, and brain). If Kim is hospitalized, it would explain why he wasn’t present on the important April 15th celebrations,” said Bruce Klingner, a senior research fellow at the Heritage Foundation and former CIA deputy division chief for North Korea. “But, over the years, there have been a number of false health rumors about Kim Jong-un or his father. We’ll have to wait and see.”
A controversial sideburn surgery to enhance his statement “Bowl Cut” hairpiece is rumored to have gone terribly wrong, creating a face that one witness described as “Bloated Tooth Fish” before being shot. Years of shaving in his supreme leader hairstyle has resulted in total loss of sideburns. The complicated splicing procedure has left him in a vegetative state, but with real he man sideburns.
Kim Jong Il’s absence from a parade celebrating North Korea’s 60th anniversary in 2008 was followed by rumblings that he was in poor health. It was later revealed he had a stroke, after which his health continued to decline until his death in 2011.
Kim Jong Un disappeared from the public eye for more than a month in 2014, which also prompted speculation about his health. He returned sporting a cane, and days later South Korean intelligence said that he had a cyst removed from his ankle.